MY CONFESSION: Haters, Anxiety, Jealousy and Living Outside My Means

Sorry Guys, No Pictures.

This is a rant/confession/advice post all in one.  I have about 8 zillion things running through my head lately and nobody to tell it all to, so naturally.....I'll blog about it.

Lately, I've been struggling with my blog.  I'm addicted to it, so I'm not struggling with posts or outfits idea, I'm struggling with the fact that other women's blogs are so much more visually appealing than mine.  Yes, I have a cute background that matches my business cards. Yes, I have a  nice font, and yes I have a quality camera.  But lately I have been getting down on myself, I will be honest here, because I feel like I have all this potential and I don't have to means for my blog to be everything I want it to be.  I don't have the time like other girls, who ONLY blog. I have school, a relationship, and work to worry about.  I don't have the money to buy as much clothing as I want, to stay relevant so I can share tips and tricks with you all....even though the most practical wardrobes are made of versatile pieces, fashion is constantly changing.  It is hard to find the balance between repeating pieces to make a point and buying enough to stay on trend, without being hypocritical.  I preach AND PRACTICE that the more you wear something, the more it was worth the purchase...but it's just hard sometimes ya know?  In the past, shopping was an addiction.  Like where some people have alcohol and partying, my self destructive behavior was shopping.  My freshman year of college I overdrew my bank account hundred and hundreds of dollars buying shoes.  Shoes that I have kept maybe 3 pairs of after round and rounds of wardrobe cuts the past couple years.  It got so bad, the spending and the constant shoe stalking, that I did see a counselor/"therapist".  Well, just like a recovering alcoholic, sometimes I have a very rational and valid fear that if something bad happens I will revert to my old ways.  Now, although I have a control on it now, so much so that I started a blog JUST TO TEACH OTHER WOMEN HOW TO NOT SPEND MONEY AND STILL LOOK FIERCE, the fear of returning to my old ways is paralyzing. I have self control when all is well, but if I have just one bad week....the urge it overwhelming.  The other problem is the line.  Where is the line? Everybody has a different idea of what "too much" is.  So here I am, I may have bought 10 things this month, but since I only spent $20 (where I used to spend $700) I think that is fine, some people spend more than that on coffee at Starbucks in just one week.  I will admit to paying a bill late just to buy something since my freshman year.  Every once and a while I will slip, it's only human nature.  Just thought I would be honest.  Another reason I shop a lot, is because I have sever anxiety in public settings.  It's a coping mechanism, it calms me down.  Anybody who knows me knows that, aside from extreme happiness, I suppress any "emotion" I have.  This means, I do not have panic attacks until I DO get back home, people can't tell when I am scared about something....that probably comes from my extreme embarrassment of making a scene.  My brain's logic is, "Yes, Viktoria, you are freaking out but if you SHOW that you are freaking out, and draw more attention to yourself, you will freak out even more." My blog has helped A LOT with that. I still get semi uncomfortable if I'm in a new environment or around too many people I don't know but it has given me such confidence that I will talk to strangers now with ease, even though I may be shaking on the INSIDE....baby steps. 

It's hard to keep your head up when you have haters though.  People I don't know, people I do know....the haters are always the very people I am NOT writing to.  Tall, skinny, rich women are more than welcome to read my blog, everyone is welcome here....but my goal is to talk to that insecure little girl with the frizzy hair and a tiny belly.   The one who get's teased at school and feels alone.  I will go shopping with you chica, I don't care if we got to the thrift shop and you only have $5, I will make you look hotter than Victoria Beckham.  And as many people as there all who appreciate the advice I give, I still look at successful blogger after successful blogger and they all exemplify the opposite of me.  I AM fighting an uphill battle, I AM competing against women with unlimited resources and photographer husbands, I AM jealous that my blog isn't getting as much attention as theirs yet when I feel like more people could relate to my outfits and my budget. I'm sorry if that is harsh but let's face it. The AVERAGE woman nowadays 15-25 is roughly my size, with a very similar budget.  I'm not one of those women who hates on other women because they're thinner than me, they are gorgeous too...but I'm talking national average here.  Please don't interpret this as me putting the tall, skinny ones down because I'm not.  Hell, I have skinny friends who wish they could GAIN weight, so you never ever judge somebody based on their waistline, I just wish my whole target audience knew I was here, and they don't.  I get hate mail, quite a bit actually.  When I moved to Phoenix I put ads out for hiring my new photographers to which people took the time to reply with "what you are offering to pay is INSULTING, you should be ashamed of yourself, I hope your blog fails blah blah blah" like really? Sorry not sorry that I'm just trying to follow me dream, I'm paying everything I can, get over it.  Go pick on someone your own size Mr. Professional Fancy Pants Photographer...CLEARLY my ad was not directed towards you.  I was looking for a college kid....derp!

Anways, let me wrap it up, here's my light at the end of the tunnel.  I just had one of those moment's when I started day-dreaming and I realized a crap ton of stuff.

1.) If my blog layout IS super high end, professional and paid for (web designer) then that little girl who I want to reach out too, probably won't even bother to look through it.  I'm happy with my pre-designed template.  I filled it the blanks myself and added social media icons on my own.  I like the fact that my blog is what it is because aside from the material, the blog itself is relatable.  I did it, YOU CAN TOO. That's the story I'm trying to get across, and I want my blog to be just that, a blog....not a website.

2.) No, I can not afford a super high end photographer to take these amazing artistic photos, but that's not what I want anyways.  My blog is more informational than it is artistic, even though I am a fine artist too.  I merely want a quick pic of my look, to show you what I'm talking about....so if I have to take my own damn pictures at some points, revert to selfies and Instagram edits, you bet your little fashionista butt I will do it. I will do it so that my readers have stuff to read and outfits to look at. I'm here to inspire looks, not have you gawk at the amazing photography.  Although great photography can be mesmerizing. 

3.)  No, I will not have new clothes to show you every month.  You WILL see shoes and clothes on repeat.  Why? Becuase I'm not FREAKING OPRAH! I'm 22 and I gotz to pay dah billz!

4.) As confident as I am, and comfortable as I am, and as happy as I am.....I, unfortunately, got the crappy side of the coin and came into this world with a vagina.  My emotions are a roller coaster, I have bad days, I get sad, I make mistakes......but what good would I be as a role model (which is my goal) if the life I live is unobtainable?  Young women need a real live person to relate to, so I'm sorry all your perfect bloggers with unlimited budgets and fantastic fashion sense and amazing photography....for now, and for a while, All Size Fits One is staying just how it is.  What fun would it be if we were all the same anyways?

Sincerely,
Your favorite frizzy haired, cellulite thighed, occasional pimple faced, size 10, Black and Puerto Rican Bargain-ista.

xoxo....Viktoria


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